Why writing in Starbucks on Friday nights is bad

For some reason, I can't write at home. The internet is all shiny and distracting what with games, tv/movies, and random pictures like lolcats and Failblog. So lately, I've been coming to Starbucks. I find that whenever I leave my house--regardless of where I go--whether it be Sarah's or even back in my old apartment, I just write. My muse senses that I'm out of my house and realizes that havoc is about to ensue with my characters.

But there is a dark side, a looming evil that cannot be destroyed: customers. For the most part, they are harmless. They come in for their drinks and leave. But there are those that stay, the ones that linger in the area for one reason or another. Those are the ones to watch out for.

Luckily, there are signs. How to tell when it's time for you to leave peacefully or flee the premises in a fit of terror.

Situation 1. A couple sits down next to your table and starts eating face.
And I'm not talking about love pecks, I'm talking about sloshing noises and his mouth jammed against her neck. These are sure indicators that something is about to go down, and trust me, you don't want to be anywhere near that.
What to do: Flee. ASAP. Scurry away to the furthest table, preferably one with a display stand to hide your view of them.
What not to do: Do not sit there and pretend they don't exist. This DOES NOT WORK. Just because you're sitting a foot away from them mauling each other does not mean that they realize you are there. The slurping noises will eventually drive you mad. Remember, what has been heard cannot be unheard. If you do nothing, it'll only progress to hearing them talk about getting naked and at that moment, your brain implodes.

Situation 2. A family of eleven enters the building.
Here, all hell breaks lose. Screaming. Crying. Running. They're jumping off chairs, pulling things off the shelves, tripping customers with their frolicking mayhem. At this point, the store has single-handedly broken the sound barrier. Along with your sanity.
What to do: Headphones. Get onto your hands and knees and pray to the creator of headphones. Bless him/her with a long, happy life because he/she just brought peace over your surroundings. Headphones - check! Music - check! Making sure your muse hasn't committed suicide - check!
What not to do: Generally speaking, hitting children is frowned upon in society...and also illegal, so I would recommend not doing that. While you'd get away from them, I don't think they'll let you write in prison.
And if you didn't bring any headphones then politely excuse yourself from the building so that the baristas don't have to clean up the mess from your head imploding...again.

Situation 3: Young, attractive guy walks in and sits next to you. He pulls out Twilight and turns to the last few chapters of the book.
What to do NOT to do: I'm just skipping ahead here, because NO GOOD WILL COME FROM THIS! The words, "It's a trap," should be ringing loud and clear. Oh yeah, cute guy...reads Twilight...looks up at you from the corner of his eye...goes back to his book. Everything seems perfect. And then you talk to the barista, or in this case, the best friend. What? The last time he was in here he was reading Breaking Dawn? He's already read the series just a few weeks ago? You're on to him now. His attempts at smoldering are getting him NOWHERE! You sparkle? Well I punch people in the face. Let's see which one knocks the other off their feet first...

Situation 4: Old grouchy men are talking politics.
Another conversation reaches your ears from a few tables away. Two old-fashioned men are talking about how women should never be aloud in offices and how they'll never vote for them. This takes you on the opposite end of the spectrum. You've gone from going insane to getting pissed off. You've already had to endure face-eating, rampant children, and the pretty trap. The last thing you want to hear is how some old farts are being old farts. Get with the times, grandpa. This isn't the 20s anymore.
What to do: Violence doesn't solve anything...but at this point you've gone way over your Stupid People quota for the day and your self control is shot. What do you do? You pop those suckers in the face, grab your compie and make the dramatic exit that you've always wanted, complete with the glare from over your shoulder and your hair tossing in the breeze that comes from out of no where. Then you march away.

And that kids, is how Starbucks on a Friday night gets you arrested.


Glen Akin said...

LMAO! Oh my days!!! Funny post! Seriously, boys do that Twilight thing? Man! I should have tried that with that girl I saw at Starbucks ... damn. She might not be like you and would have fallen for it, you never know.

Also, lol hitting kids is typically frowned up in society - yes. And the couple kissing? Didn't you tell them, "You guys! Get a bloody room!"

Kaitlin Ward said...

I wonder if it would scare off the kissing couple if you went over and said in your best suggestive voice, "Can I join you?"
That could backfire, though, I suppose. If they're up for that sort of thing.

Boys and their evil ways. I would immediately distrust any boy casually reading Twilight in public...

Becca said...

OMFG!! You are a genius. When I read the "Well I punch people in the face" line, I almost fell into the floor.

/dies /dies again


Leah said...

@Kaitlin - Haha! I think it would have backfired. They looked like...a couple that liked trying new things. :P

Jamie B said...

LOL - I can't believe a guy would do the pretty trap. WTH? That's sneaky.

Sarah said...


Amazing post darling, like always.

Kaitlyn Vaccaro said...

hahaha,,,I peed a little while reading this....thank you this brought such a joy to me hahahahahaha

Debra D. said...

Bwahahaha, this is awesome, and alas, all too true! Starbucks really is an experience--you just never know what you're gonna get!

I still work there all the time, too--I have similar issues with working at home that you do.

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